TS and Marriage

Many transgendered, both female-to-male and male-to-female, who begin transition today do so while married. Not surprising. The American society pushes marriage. And marriage becomes a way to prove to yourself and to those around you that you are what society dictates you must be.

A couple enters a marriage because they care about the welfare of their partner. The couple agree to work together in times of health or sickness, during times of financial plenty or when disaster hits. Should one spouse be severely injured in an accident, would the other spouse immediately file for divorce because of such a change in the marriage situation? Very, very few would.

A transgendered and partner are in the same situation. In the United States, the transgendered's change of gender, even the sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) itself, does not alter the status of that marriage contract. When a state issues a marriage license, the couple meets the conditions set by that state. Later events, medical or accidental, do not change the conditions for marriage that the couple met earlier, at the time of issue of the license. Those later events include SRS. Once a state issues a marriage license, the state steps back, and it is up to the couple to dissolve their marriage -- why we have divorce courts -- if desired. If no divorce occurs, the marriage remains active.

The couple remains married as have many transgendered and their spouses so far. Yet their continues to be those, even therapists, who believe and the marriage dissolves when SRS occurs. Not true! There are even those individuals or groups who attempt to force the spouse into leaving the transgenered and thereby dissolving the marriage in the only way possible. Divorce!

Unfortunately, many sectors of American society attempt to force their fears upon the partners in a marriage, attempting to destroy that marriage, when a married transgendered comes to terms with their true self and decides to begin transition. Friends, family, co-workers, even clergy, the very individuals who should be offering support and help to preserve the marriage, push their fears onto the couple in an attempt to destroy that marriage. While difficult to withstand, you can withstand those pressures from outside to dissolve your marriage.

Even my spouse, Allison, has experience such pressures from a few family members and friends. We were even discriminated against by the clergy of the Episcopal church in dioceses that included Sacramento and Silicon Valley. These Episcopal clergy refused to acknowledge our California marriage, instead claiming we were a non-legal, domestic partnership. I was told by one church rector that the Episcopal church "had a right to decide which marriage licenses it would accept." Apparently he had never heard of the Constitutional separation of church and state, believing instead that the Episcopal church had some legal right (which it does not) to decide which marriage licenses, issued by the state, the church will accept.

As my spouse Allison wrote to the spouse of a transgendered person who had visited this web site:

In my mind, it is the strength of the underlying relationship that matters...not the public appearance of the persons in it. Yes, there are times that we are taken for a "lesbian" couple, which we are not. But, on the other hand, would it be so awful if we were? I don't think that two people who are sharing love and respect for one another should have much to be embarrassed about, no matter the "sex" of the persons in it...

The transition of a transgendered should not be the reason to dissolve a marriage. Instead, the couple needs to work together by rational discussion and planning. If the couple really care about the welfare of each other, then working together for the welfare of both will only strengthen their marriage.

A few years ago I met a couple where the transgendered was transitioning and the spouse was actively supporting an assisting. As he (a female-to-male transsexual) transitioned, the spouse (a husband) was supportive and assisting because he (the spouse of the TS)  truly cared about the welfare of his spouse (the transgendered) and their marriage.

Married TS in the Work Place

A marriage, continued after SRS, even confuses the insurance industry. However, in two such tests, legal representatives of two businesses had agreed and upheld the legality of our marriage license. As an employee, obtaining standard benefits for Allison has confused a couple of my employers.

One firm listed me as married for federal and state taxes, yet single for company benefits, stating they wanted to have their benefit committee decide whether that company should accept our marriage license. Another firm was equally confused, discussing the validity of our marriage license between upper management and the company's legal advisors.

What I find interesting (okay, painful) is neither company was willing to consult with Allison and me, instead forcing us to "strongly confront" both of the companies. The second company has now attempted to drop Allison as my spouse three times in three years. We have finally had to "strongly confront" that second company through a discrimination complaint with the California Department of Fair Employment and Housing. Again, the benefit package was threatened, while tax withholding (both Federal and state) have never been questioned.

Allison and I have discovered that unless an employer supports same-sex benefits for their gay and lesbian employees, those same companies will attempt to refuse benefits to their transsexual employees, even though those transsexual employees remain legally married. Be prepared to firmly assert yourself to retain those benefits.

Post Script

Since Allison and I were married in late 1997 in California, exchanging custom engraved silver wedding rings, a marriage which the state's officials assured us was a first for a transgendered living full-time -- we have learned several others have followed our lead. We know of several such marriages in California. I have also learned of a marriage between a transgendered individual living full-time and a woman in Utah. The Salt Lake Tribune learned of the marriage and wrote an article titled Transsexual Weds Woman in Legal Union.

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